SUX, I have had enough of the paltry driving efforts of your vehicle-wielding populace. I will now calmly discuss the top ten road rage triggers I have found during a month in which I’ve driven all over your streets.

1. I cannot begin to count the number of times I’ve been stuck behind a Buick who insists on slowing down to 15 MPH below the speed limit at a green light. Seriously? Don’t even tell me you’re trying to be safer about the intersection; slowing down actually puts you in the intersection for a LONGER period of time.

2. If you are merging onto the interstate, please don’t slow down. And for the love of God, don’t stop your vehicle! You have absolutely NO hope of entering a lane full of cars going 70 MPH if you’re going 0 MPH!

3. Those of you who think the speed limit on Outer Drive between Hamilton and Floyd is 35 MPH, please, oh please, get a clue. After I have to slow down for you at that green light at the top of the hill, don’t add insult to injury by flying down the hill at a slick 35 mph after the light.

4. If you want to merge into my lane from an on-ramp and I don’t move over, it’s probably because I can’t. Don’t sit there with your blinker on edging into my lane until I have to either floor it or slam on my brakes to let you in. Just drop back a few lengths and merge.

5. If you’re sitting in the oncoming left turn lane (with no green left arrow) and we’re stopped facing each other at a red light, don’t try to sneak in front of me to complete your turn before I’ve cleared the intersection. Because if you do, and I don’t have my family in my car, chances are good that I’ll be forced to make a complete jackass out of myself and floor it as you try to coax your aging minivan through the turn and out the intersection before I take my right-of-way and beat you across the quarter panel with it.

6. Jaywalkers. Don’t act like I’m going to stop for you if you’re trying to cross Hamilton half a block from a crosswalk. Walk the extra half block to the crosswalk or wait for me to pass you, jerks. See the results of #5.

7. If you tailgate me, I will step on my brakes and force us both to go slower than we want to. Neither of us want this, so just don’t.

8. I’m not even going to discuss those of you who fly past traffic backed up in the left lane and then try to merge at the front of the line where the right lane is blocked. There is a special place in hell for those of you who try and pull that crap.

9. If you blatantly pull out in front of me, chances are good that I’ll ride your bumper for a few seconds until I drop back. No, it’s not right. Yes, it’s going to happen. Just be glad I’ve taken my anger management classes.

10. Do. Not. EVER honk at me for going slow (read, the freaking speed limit) through a residential area. I do it for a reason, ya jackass.

Just use your common sense. Or borrow someone else’s if you find yourself continually angering a large man in a vintage Thunderbird.

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